TheBiggerPicture

From as young as I can remember, a few times in my life as I was growing up, I had a vivid dream of a small room with just one door and I could hear a clock ticking, and then it would zoom into the key hole and I could see light on the other side of the door. In this room, I couldn’t help but feel as if the walls were closing in on me and I needed to figure out where the key was in order to save my soul. So this is the meaning of oppression. A person who feels oppressed starts to feel more and more suffocated and in order to feel free you need to figure out why you are oppressed and what your purpose is. Hence fear starts makes it harder to breathe as you age.

I was afraid of dogs because I got bit bite a dog when I was 2 in Woking Park on my left shoulder. My whole life I have been so afraid of them that I never entered a home which had a dog. If I saw them outside, I would always cross the road and pray to Allah to not allow the dog to come near me. But of course dogs can sense fear so automatically they will be drawn to you. Then in the summer of 2023, I read Surah Al Kahf and went to buy a mocha after Jummah from Londis. There is some Irish family living on my road in Stanwell who I have known since I have lived there in 2018 and they have a dog called Sadie. A huge German Shepherd and I am very afraid of that dog. They know this very well. As I was walking back from Londis with my mocha, the dog came out of the house and started to chase me. At first I was really afraid and started running, and the dog started running faster. I jumped over the park gate in a panick and my mocha was still in tact, and then I turned around and looked at the dog, it was staring at me with pure hatred and growling. So I thought, I cannot sit in the park all day and I need to stop being a coward. So I screamed at the dog from the top of my lungs, really putting my back into it, and the dog got so afraid it went mad on fear. It started running all around the field panicking. Then an elderly couple were walking by with their two poodles and the German Shepherd ran towards them and was close to attacking their little dogs. Then again I shouted and told the dog to get lost. And it ran away back to its house. The elderly couple were in shock, they didn’t know who to be more afraid of, me or the dog? But of course they were very grateful to me for helping them. I was in shock to. I went home and messaged the Irish family and told them the reason their dog came home in a panic is because I scared it away. Obviously after this day they probably thought what the heck is going on? But they never mentioned it, they have always been on good terms with me before this and since then and they have noticed that when I walk past their house, I no longer cross the road or be afraid as their dog sits right outside their house. Doesn’t even look at me anymore.

After this day my fear of dogs has gone away. They just stare at me when i go running everyday, some of them approach me and I am always calm. If I am every angry they get afraid and bounce back. It has happened so many times. And it has also built up my courage, I had surrey police trying to frame me, the NHS trying to put me in hospital for mental illness and social services trying to take my son off me. Knowing I had a son to take care of, it built my courage to cope with everything I was going through. And of course there is CCTV at the park where it happened, so since this day, the whole government started to change their tone. Alhumdulilah.

They started to put more pressure on me through the services in my meetings, but they had no concrete evidence or evidence at all that I was doing anything wrong. And all the meetings are recorded. They all had fear in them.

So then I started to really focus on my physical health and started walking the reservoir in Stanwell everyday to clear my lungs and lose some weight so I could start preparing. But they needed me in restraints, so what did they do?

They stopped my ex partners script and because he was an ex addict, he started to put pressure on me and constantly hassling me for money to fund his habit. So because of the altercations, the police came running and put me (not him) in hand cuffs and I was back in section 136.

I did not let them bother me as I was in hospital, other than being worried for my sons safety which I left in Allahs hands, I prayed my 5 prayers and kept myself to myself. They tested my patience by not allowing me to smoke, they tried making me paranoid using the patients as my things kept going missing or causing altercations between me and the patients so that they could put me on injections. They never allowed me to go outside and smoke for 3 weeks and gave me one vape a day which lasted 2 hours and that was if I was fortunate, some days they wouldn’t give that either. But I was two steps ahead of them so I kept my mouth shut and ignored them all. The only thing they achieved was slowing me down in pushing my physical health. As soon as I came out the hospital, again I hit the reservoir. I kept small goals in my mind which I hit on a weekly basis and I still had all of them pressuring me and trying to break my faith. So finally in November 2024 I came to my fathers house and left it all behind. Of course my social worker wasn’t happy because they needed to use my ex partner to trigger me into a melt down so that they can put me on injections and turn me into a lazy big teddy bear like they have done to my eldest brother. Because then my son will have no motivation or solutions to master his physical, spiritual and mental health.

Since I have been at my fathers, him and his wife are witnesses and there has been no problems. My life seems to be getting better everyday. I quit smoking cigarettes on the 25th April 2025 and a week before I did this I started running in the park. Just baby steps, literally for like 20 minutes a day. Then once I quit smoking, I increased the time everyday that I was running just a little bit and then I started using the public gym in the park. Currently I am on 1 hour and 30-40 minutes a day of pure exercise and running. I have only missed one day.

I set myself targets using the time and try to push myself more everyday but in a smaller time frame than yesterday hence my numbers increase as the time goes up. I do this every week. I do not over do it. I am allowing Allah to guide me. And it also eases my back pains and I am full of energy all day to give my son and family time etc. And everyday I feel myself building more and more tolerance.

I always peel lemons and put a few slices in my water bottle because it makes my skin glow through cleansing and detoxing my whole system.

My Running track is a huge field and I increase the laps I do every month and beat the time I run almost everyday. I can feel my lungs opening up and inhaling the fresh air and smell of fresh nature really clears my mental health.

So for the last few years I have been following the same routine but Allah was guiding me to give up my addictions and push my physical health in baby steps. I can feel my mental and spiritual health getting better to.

I base my day around my 5 prayers, I wake up at Fajr and then I study the Qur’an for 1 hour. First I read it in Arabic and then I write two pages from English translation because I have a photogenic memory therefore I will then memorise the most relevant verses.

Then I go for my run and work out in a park full of dogs therefore I am still overcoming my fear everyday. Then I come home and clean the house.

On school days I will wake my son up, make his packed lunch, breakfast, get him ready for school and then drop him off.

Then I spend time with my little brother and take him for a walk or to the park to give my dads wife some space to have a shower and freshen up etc.

Then I eat a bowl of fresh spinach and boneless fried chicken or lettuce with chicken.

Then I work on my website for about an hour.

Then its time to pick my son up from school.

The he eats and I take him and sometimes my little brother (Again) to the park. My son likes to ride his scooter in the skate park or play football with his buddies. He has a good circle of friends. Very good children. They listen to everything I say and always ask for my consent when they want to go to the shop etc, I am always giving them all small tasks and if they pass them and gain my trust then I treat them to snacks etc.

I use the time to build my son a weekly routine to aim for monthly privileges. He loves checking off targets like me so he is really into it. I have full faith in Allah that if he maintains this routine and discipline, it will make his life a lot easier when he is older. Rather than starting at 40 years old like me. I ask him to eat fruit and vegetable everyday and then every fruit/vegetable equals more time at the skate park or more time doing things he enjoys. I will maintain this until it becomes a habit for him and he cannot cope without fruit and vegetables.

Then we come home and its dinner time. My dads wife cooks but I will wash up and clean up. Then its bed time. And my father takes my sons phone at 10pm because we want him to reduce his time when it comes to virtual reality. I will also be cooking two meals per week because my son does not eat spicy food, so I will be making his food myself. Rest of the week he can eat home made pasta, fish finger burgers, waffles etc. Over time I will increase the days I cook until all he eats is healthy home cooked food.

Even on non school days my routine stays the same. My son goes to football club on Saturdays and martial arts on Thursday evening and has mosque on mon, wed and fri.

So now I am in the process of sorting out my debts and organising my life so that I can prepare to start working. Not to chase wealth, but to keep afloat as I use my time wisely and raise my son.

I used to get really bad back pains after my son was born and for 3 years I really suffered and I was also going through domestic violence hence I never really pushed my physical health to overcome it nor did I have the knowledge to push my physical health to overcome it. I then kept getting unwell all the time and because my ex partner was a heroin addict I started to indulge in opium pain relief, I thought I would continue it because I was able to function normally and build a routine for myself and my son. But the opium replaced my hormones hence my happy cells. And I was burning all my energy on pushing myself to live what I assumed was normality even though deep down I knew I was anything but normal. And neither was the world we currently live in.

I am planning to start an Arabic language course soon too, but right now my priorities are adjusting to my new life without sins, addictions and trying to control my anger by getting the services hence oppression out of my life. Because that’s the only time I want to get angry and want to take off someone’s head. So they need to go away. They are a trigger. I told them this in the meeting the other day, in front of my father. And they all went red. Its really pathetic, I don’t like embarrassing people for their incompetency, its better to do it when people are alone, humbly. But I have been doing it for two years to the services and they keep pretending I don’t, as they do not want to go away. So I had to do it in front my dad and it kind of felt nice, bringing their egos down to the floor. I threatened them, I said either lets go to court if you lot think I am an unfit mother. I have had enough. And their voices started shaking. ‘No, no.. we haven’t reached this point yet.’ Then I said, this is oppression, you lot are constantly making me do things slowly (through wasting my time – half a task 1 week, half a task another week but people keep cancelling and then I have to chase them up etc) and I keep complying and finishing everything early and you lot keep bombarding me with more shit. I ain’t for time for this. Either give me some hope so I can be nicer and tolerate you all, or go away or lets go court. So they brought the plan down to child in need. Alhumdulilah. I recorded the whole conversation. I will put it up on ‘The Systems Mistakes’ soon.

So now I am hoping the child in need plan gets cancelled after 3 months and then me and my son can continue our journey, preparing for Allah. Without any distractions. The good thing about living with my father is, he doesn’t tolerate laziness. He’s constantly on the move. He is restless like me. He is strict, he applies discipline but he also shows a lot of love, just not on the same day. He is the best person to guide my me and my son.

So.. here is an update.

Since I quit smoking on 25th April 2025 and started running and choosing my playground (running track and gym) through Allah’s will, which by the way I visit everyday after Fajr and the Sun rises on the west as the Moon is preparing to fade away in the eastern sky. So its beautiful.

I built my tolerance from 2 laps to 7 laps of pure running around the track and then I would use the gym for up to 50 mins. I started timing my running as well as my numbers which I was gradually increased on the non fixed timer machines hence the arm straighteners and the rower etc

I stopped increasing the numbers once I arrived at 100 on all 3 machines…

Then Allah said it was time to begin the RACE. So I started racing to beat yesterdays time, everyday.

Here is an example of my timers between 22nd June 2025 – 31st July 2025. It shows how much time I have decreased the time by using my speed which keeps going up the more I push myself and build tolerance everyday. And breaks seem to slow me down. I have only had 2 days off since all this has started and it did me no favours. I do not even have breaks when my monthly menstrual cycle comes, in fact I use the pain to push myself even more and miraculously beat the numbers. Subhan ‘Allah

ON THE NEXT ROW I SHALL ALSO ADD MY RUNNING SCORES. FROM THIS YOU CAN CALCULATE THE DIFFERENCE USING BOTH SCORES FOR EFFICIENCY.

On the next row I have my final best score on the last day of July for running 7 laps and my overall work out score.

So my target and goal for the end of July was to complete my 7 lap running score in 30.00 minutes and I exceeded this by 16 seconds.
So Alhumdulilah. I have built speed and managed to reduce 12 and a half minutes of my overall work out score.

Currently. I have started running 8 laps and everything in my gym remains the same. So my goal is to meet the same statistics by the end of August but with this extra lap (through speed) or to exceed the numbers. Everything is through Allahs will.

I have realised that the more I push myself everyday, the more energy I have all day. And Allah says when you build tolerance and continuously increase your work load it multiplies your speed and efficiency.

So SubhanAllah. I shall update you all as I meet my goals every month.

Its not that I cannot do it, its that I have to do it.

Just like when I would always come second or third, when I ran in primary school or high school, its not that I couldn't do it, its the fact that I didnt do it. (LAZINESS DOES THIS).

Month of August 2025

The info screenshots are the data information hence the time and date I completed my race on both the field and the gym.

BELOW I AM ADDING AN IMAGE OF MY DAY 1 AND DAY END OF LAP 8 TIMERS AND THEN DAY 1 LAP 9 (WHICH IS TODAY) AND THEN EXPLAINING THE DIFFERENCE. I am also in the middle of creating a chart and table to show my findings, but bare with me because I have also started learning arabic and Allah says I have to stay on top of my priorities and learn at the same time. My priorities are my family and ensuring everyones mental and physical health is flourishing so that they can better their relationship with Allah.